We so often hear people talk about 'finding myself'. But what is it actually? Is it the process of finding out what the future brings for us? Or is it that due to the fact that we've been so preoccupied with our daily life and responsibilities, that we constantly change ourselves to suit the environment surrounding us, just so that we 'fit in'?
I sit here, wondering what kind of person I was last year, two years ago, or even five years ago. Have I changed, character-wise? Ambition-wise? How would I have reacted differently if lets say a problem cropped up? My life has been at a hectic pace the last couple of years. The sequence goes like this:
-Fiddling with break-up1
-NS
-Still fiddling
-Girl G from nowhere enters my life
-Cyber friend G becomes someone I fancy G(with 5*s)
-Yadda yadda yadda...
-Fiddling with break-up2
-School
-Trying to 'fit in' (Or you can call it 'adjusting')
-Hooking up with a girl I fancy
-Exams
-Time flies when you're occupied with girl M
-A couple of jobs
-Yet more time flies by with the girl M
-School
-Fiddling with break-up3
-School...
There are only this many times before the break-ups teach you something. It took me two to realise that its evil to be too hung up. Which is probably why fiddling with break-up3 is comparably a much simpler affair. Or maybe the r/s with girl M was doomed to fail right from the start [insert forbidden apple theory]. The plus point for being stubborn? Neither one will ask the question 'what if?'. If it hadn't been the experiences of break-up1 & break-up2, how would I be handling break-up3?
One thing that hasn't change for sure, is that I never succeed in making any of them 3 my friend. Quite frankly, I plainly screwed up #1, my over-zealousness screwed up #2, and #3's a matter of different frequencies. I truly wonder how it feels like to remain friends with your ex-flames. Isn't it weird? Is it nice to know that there's still someone you can turn to when need be? How does it feel when you two meet again?
Now that I have absofuckinglutely no plans whatsoever for Christmas nor New Year, I should spend this remaining bit of my holiday 'finding myself', and if along the way I think I have faltered in the way I mature, I should probably revert to the kind of boy I was.
But hey, I have my own little plans in the form of blading, and catching up on my Count of Monte Cristo ebook. It will still be a pleasant Christmas. Somewhat.
Who knows. Someone may waltz into my life unexpectedly again. Only this time, I pray she fits my 4th installment of "The Kind Of Girl I Diggggg". And just to be wicked, she has to mention (un/knowingly) these magical words, before I will finally ask her out:

Cover up now, little boys and girls. It's gonna be a tad chilly tonight. But hey, if you've not been under the rain for 8 hours out in the sea, then its not so bad. (: Good night.