I met my ex for two hours just now, one more than what was agreed upon. We're supposed to meet tomorrow but she msged me while I was getting ready for school. School or her, it was a no-brainer.
It wasn't easy getting a grip of myself, I faltered a little but I guess I did ok. I didn't want to think what I wanted to get from this last meet-up. I didn't expect anything at all. We didn't even talk about us, even if I wanted to.
We just talked about her upcoming university journey to Australia, what stuff to bring over. I sort of loaned her my iPod which I've stopped using for a while now. Don't ask me why I did that though, cos seriously I don't know. But it sure made parting somewhat easier, with the thought of having something that belongs to me with her in a far away place.
Everything about her has told me she has moved on. When the two hours were up, I was entitled to an embrace that felt so strangely familiar, and then she turned around and left. I could not make myself stop her from leaving. She had to leave nomatterwhatisaynomatterwhatido.
She's as ready as can be to be my friend, but I can't say the same for myself. I hope sooner than later I can be ready too, but obviously by then she will be 982048251567389609 miles away.
And with that, she stepped out of our circle.
I know too, that I will need to get up from the center of this circle and take the bold step out.
Someday, maybe.
Remind me again, 10 reasons why smoking is bad?
-Nudges Dr. Dopey-
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Have you ever had a bad day?
I do, I really do.
Friday, 25 January 2008
Another friend has just given birth to an absolutely adorable baby girl. Everything around me is changing at a frightening pace. What with friends graduating from school, friends going overseas FOR school, friends getting married, friends getting attached, friends enjoying their new found singlehood and all.
While all these events take place, my life has remained relatively stagnant. Sometimes I just wonder if I am actually living a life.
Or if my life has all along adopted the North Korea's closed door policy.
This is really depressing.
Moving on, I ordered almost SG$250 worth of apparels and accessories from urbanoutfitters. I've done it before and I managed to get around their 'no international credit card or shipping' policy by making use of vpostusa. But now it seems like they have a new way of totally restricting international orders. Now I'm supposed to call and double confirm my credit card status before they would even process my order. So obviously if I call (which I didn't manage to get throught), I would have to dutifully announce my real address, and of course, they wouldn't sell me the stuff. I really liked those that I ordered, and I'm quite sure I can't find any of those here. Now I have a mammoth problem of actually going shopping. Again. \=
Tuesday, 22 January 2008
All of these lines across my face Tell you the story of who I am So many stories of where I've been And how I got to where I am But these stories don't mean anything When you've got no one to tell them to It's true... I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops Swam all across the ocean blue I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules But baby I broke them all for you Oh, because even when I was flat broke You made me feel like a million bucks You do and I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth It's hiding the words that don't come out And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed They don't know my head is a mess No, they don't know who I really am And they don't know what I've been through like you do And I was made for you
Brandi Carlile - The Story
Listen to it there <<------
Monday, 21 January 2008
Its almost been two weeks now since I started feeling really down. And its so difficult to find someone to confide in who'll understand. I wonder which is tougher - Finding someone to talk to, or to actually getting my mood back on the positive side.
And I hardly get much sleep nowadays. The nightmares are coming thick and fast and they stay from when I doze off till I got rudely awaken by them.
Well if you think you're an ok confidant, do drop me a message on my email or wherever. \=
Sigh. Forget it. Good night.
Friday, 18 January 2008
People say friends come in all shapes and sizes. My best friends are my 4 feathered pillows. They are the ones I talk to at night when I have thoughts that need straightening out. They hear my thoughts, or at least they give me the impression that they do. I really think they do. Hmm.
So what if I talk to my pillows?
Am I a schizoid? You go figure.
Right now I'm going to sit in bed with my novel (and 4 pillows, yes) and nurse the bee sting I got earlier afternoon while trying to get a cup of lemonade.
Oh joy.
p/s: If you think that you are prone to motion sickness, don't attempt to watch Cloverfield.
That's all kids. Good night, hope the bed bugs bite.
Monday, 14 January 2008
Its funny how we sometimes conjure up questions that appear over and over and over in our heads. The same questions that we have no answers to.
And then they come back again, but not satiated with answers.
And they come back again.
Back again.
Again.
Oh joy, I'm blogging at a constant rate again.
Sunday, 13 January 2008
For centuries, we human beans are well and truly sluts, because after all these time, we have not yet learnt how to cherish the things while its still ours. And 'regret' is such an overused word.
The Chinese have a term for these unappreciative people: '贱骨头'.
Saturday, 12 January 2008
I'm quite sure each of my tooth weighs 250g, because I've lost 1kg since yesterday's teeth extraction ordeal. No, they're not even wisdom teeth. I've plucked those 2 years ago.
So more than 24 hours on, I'm sitting here still enduring the sharp pain that the spaces left vacant in my mouth shoot to my temples with each heart beat.
Just an hour yesterday after I got home from the clinic, I had used up all the gauze the dentist gave, and the bleeding wouldn't stop. I needed more and there was a Guardian pharmacy just 50 footsteps away downstairs. But I couldn't move around the house without blood dripping all over the place, causing it to look like a heinous crime scene off CSI. So I tried to get a pal who lives just directly above the pharmacy. Somehow he didn't say yes to helping.
An hour later I got hold of another friend, who lives just 3 minutes away by car. I asked if he was busy he said "depends", so I figured my current predicament would warrant his immediate arrival. I told him about my plight, but he only replied much later saying he was free. Screw that, really.
So I did the next best thing. I called my ex. But she was sorry she wished she could help. She told me to take care and hope the bleeding stops soon. She had to go out, you see. So I couldn't blame her. An "ex" afterall, I couldn't possibly expect her to zoom her way down, could I?
That was the last I heard of her yesterday, despite me messaging her again at 10 in the evening, sounding really pitiful, which I was. Heh.
I couldn't get gauze, and I was too light headed to go get food. So I laid in bed for like 20 of the 24 hours, drinking my own blood. Better than spitting them away, no?
Sigh. I'm so hungry I can eat a cow. Well ok, I can't actually bite.
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
What if we had remained as each other's closest online pal?
What if we hadn't dared to venture beyond that thin line we tried so hard to keep from breaking?
Ironically, we did it so that we would not have any what-ifs.
