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June 2009

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

I can numb and occupy myself and pretend everything is ok but nope, that's not the solution to anything.

Monday, 29 June 2009

I'm moving back to live with my mom this weekend. 6 years of living alone is enough. I'm tired of it, and the fact that I'm always alone at home, has turned me into a person even I myself do not recognise anymore.

I've accumulated a lot of memories here - happiness, sadness, and a lot of tears. I have a habit of keeping things that are rich in memories. I keep them in various boxes, and even in the fridge.

I could never bear to throw them away, not one all these years. What for, you may ask, if those mementos bring only sadness. To be frank I don't know either, but I know if I do, its as good as killing a little part of me. Every little thing.

Maybe I'm too emotional for my own good. Maybe I need to harden up more. Maybe, just maybe.

I went to Perth - for a holiday.

Having said that, let me start again, honestly this time.

I went to Perth, because I missed her so much. Back in March when the plan was conceived for me to visit her, I had the impression that we were still what we were - together but not quite. I've grown to be satisfied with that, and that satisfaction brought about fulfillment and contentment. Nothing about being unfair to me, I was contented.

Couple more months following that, things changed rapidly. We barely spoke. I did some really bad things, and she fell for someone else. Completely understandable, when two lonely souls in a foreign land with little else to find comfort in, seeking solace in one another seemed like perfect.

Everyday I waited impatiently for the day I would finally whisk myself off in a plane, 5 hours of limited seating space, for that one week of vindication. Months felt like centuries, weeks felt like decades, and days felt like years. If I were ever grateful for the phrase "Time waits for no man", this would be it. I knew that eventually my wait would be over, and I would be standing in front of my love very soon.

The moment did arrive when she greeted me at her door. A mixture of feelings swept through my body - deliverance, thrill, delight, longing and of course vindication, among others. She probably did not feel the same way as I did, but nothing else in the world mattered at that moment - I was there, and she was there. For a moment the cold was non-existent and I felt like I was enveloped in a bubble of warm love.

The week I spent there, time seemed to just flew by, and I partially put the blame on the short winter daylights. I was hopeless, as long as she was beside me. Every night when we had to part, it was unbearable, but still tolerable. I bade her goodnight, sat in my car in her driveway, and lamented the fact that she was so close, but yet so far. However, tolerable, because I knew that tomorrow I would see her again.

There were only this many tomorrow's and soon it was my last night. I checked out of my room, returned the rented car, and embarked on a long journey to her place. Travelling on the Perth transit was an experience itself, and it was the most windy day. Like a pilgrim embarking on an arduous journey I made my way to her place. 45 minutes of walk in the strong wind, asking many people for directions, and an hour's wait for the bus before another 15 minutes walk, I made it there.

The last 10 hours or so I spent in her room was perhaps the highlight of my trip. We just talked, laughed and sang duets. I tried to be strong, not to let my emotions get the better of me but it was difficult, heh.

And when the time has come to call a cab to get myself to the airport, the realisation of reality began to slowly creep back in to my head. That I would be leaving my love soon, leaving the dream I entered the moment I stepped into Perth. It's impossibly painful to see myself being driven away in the cab from her place, and how painful it would be, sitting at the airport, wishing I never had to leave, contemplating that maybe I shouldn't leave afterall.

"Don't be silly," she said.

The moment I reached home, I broke out into tears. It was unbearably painful thinking that just a few hours ago we were in each other's arms, but here now we're so far apart. Very far apart.

I love her so much, too much.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

I dreamt of my 1st girlfriend. Nothing of note, except I saw the same face I've always remembered the way it was and her scent never lost to the sands of time.

I also dreamt of my mom and dad, but I wouldn't go deep into it.

Only I myself know what all those dreams signify. Sigh.

Mindfucked, really.

And I woke up more tired than before I slept.

你已经远远离开,
我也会慢慢走开,
为什么我连分开都迁就着你。

我没有这种天分,
包容你也接受他。
不用担心地太多,
我会一直好好过。

牵着你陪着我也是成经,
希望他是真的比我还要爱你。

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Did I mention I even have a goodbye note mentally prepared?

My mom called earlier. She asked me about school, and I had to tell a very big lie. Even before I finished my sentence, I felt utterly dead. I actually had to lie to her.

What kind of a bastard child am I?

I don't know which hurt more - the feeling of lying to her, or the feeling of telling the truth and hear her tremendously disappointed tone after.

I'm so sorry mommy.

If I may be completely honest, I'm feeling more and more suicidal with each day that goes by.

I'm probably the only suicidal one who'd tell the world.

Maybe I don't want to die yet. Maybe I don't know the least painful way yet.

But I can feel it really close by. Any day now.

Monday, 8 June 2009

你从来不知到我想你想你
也能成为嗜好

Sunday, 7 June 2009

See what I do when I lost my prime avenue at sharing my thoughts? I come crawling back to my blog. I'm such a cheap jerk.

A close friend of 10 years will be tying the knot next Saturday, and that brought about great delight for an otherwise trying weekend when my world pretty much crumbled due to my own doings. This is perhaps the first time I've somewhat felt the joy surrounding a marriage, and while sitting there in front of my com and absorbing this great piece of news and feeling a mixture of happiness as well as a little envious, I found my idea of marriage challenged. Having said that, I'm still a complete commitment-phob, and I would never see myself being responsible for someone else's life, ever.

Also, this weekend was also the first time (that I can remember anyway) that I felt someone having a complete lost of faith in me. Of all people, it had to be someone I've been waiting all Friday for a call to check on me, to comfort me, to perhaps lend a little support. But not only none of those, all I felt was faithlessness. I don't think I've felt that way before, and to feel that way at a moment when I'm experiencing my biggest challenge yet (and trust me, I've gone through more shit than most) was a major let down. When my self confidence was at its lowest too. Maybe it was a good thing because of this feeling of worthlessness to said individual, it has made me utterly ashamed to even talk to that person anymore, and that's pethaps for the best anyway. Then again, My sensitivity's probably magnified now at this point in time, and said individual never meant for me to feel this way.

But the damage has been done.

Good night.

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Confidence at an absolute all-time low, its painful just simply thinking about it.

I'm exhausted, and at this point in time, utterly helpless. And I brought all these upon myself.

I've had a tougher 25 years than most, and I have no reply nor the will anymore to deal with what I am facing.

Save Our Ship?

Friday, 5 June 2009

Something has happened regarding school, and I think I'm feeling suicidal, again...